Juanita's Poetry

Just Enough

He uses alcohol to cover his pain.
Unsure of how to sustain
He lays down his troubles
With me,
And I provide him with a soft touch.
Nothing much,
But just enough
To ease his mind.
Enough to relax him
To help him unwind.

And he tells me of his sorrows.
How he wishes there were no tomorrow.
He doesn't know his beauty
Or his worth.
So I provide him comforting words.
Nothing much
Just what should be heard
To ease his mind.

My eyes meet his and we finally kiss.
Racing hearts, now exist.
He doesn't know if he should
Go further.
So I provide him reassurance
Nothing much,
But it gives him a chance
To ease his mind.
It helps him relax
As our bodies entwine.

Then within him all the anguish sleeps.
While inside me, I can feel him deep.
He was so in need of being wanted
And set free.
So I provided him this simple crutch
It's nothing much,
But just enough
To ease his mind.
Enough to relax him
And help him unwind.

No More Tears

I've dropped a million tears for you,
But I shall drop no more.
I lived my life in fear of you,
But I shall fear no more.
I put my pride
Aside
For you,
But now
I'm walking out the door.

You see,
I put my dreams aside for you.
Did anything
You wanted me to.
I cooked your meals
And ironed your clothes.
I made love to you
All nightlong.
I was devoted to you
And still
You did me wrong.

I supported you
Through the hardest times.
I've paid bail and lawyer's fees.
I brought you in whatever you needed
Be it cigarettes
Or weed.
I sat through visitations
Twice a week,
But when you got out (of jail)
I was your last priority.

Everyday
You would say
That you love me.
But you took away
My dignity,
With bruises
And beatings
And nights
Of laying beside you,
Crying
While you're sleeping.

Yeah, I've cried a million tears for you,
But I'm not crying anymore.
I've lived my life
In fear of you,
But I'm not scared anymore.
I've walked right out your life
And now
I'm closing the door.

The Beginning of Us

You wrapped your arms around me
And smiled at me so sweet.
We gazed into each other's eyes.
My heart began a rapid beat.
You placed a kiss
Upon my lips
To make the scene complete.

We broke apart
With my racing heart
Wishing to repeat.
One single kiss,
And emotions were flowing,
As your hands were going
All over my body.
It felt so good
I knew I should
But I just couldn't walk away.
That night I had to stay.

And when all was over and done,
Even though I didn't want to hurt anyone,
I looked at you
And then I knew
That this affair
Had only just begun.

A Dream

I had a dream that there was peace in the world.
A dream that I could rest
And lie outside on a rocking bench
With my baby's head upon my breast.
A dream that my child could walk to school
Without anyone picking a fi ght.
A dream that I could feel safe
Walking home alone at night.
I dreamed that everyone
Everywhere
Was as happy as can be,
And no one ever had to feel
Pain or misery.
I dreamed I was in a garden
Surrounded by pretty flowers,
And a warm breeze blew by
Drifting the sprinkler's showers.
I dreamed that everyone in the world was good
And no one had to die
And when I awoke from this dream
I just couldn't help but to cry.

Where’s My Daddy?

Mommy,
Susie's parents are married
And her dad lives with them.
David's parents are divorced
But his dad visits him.

Janet's dad has,
"Gone to a better place,"
But her mom says he's still here
Even though they can't see his face.

Tasha lives with just her dad,
And they've never had to be apart.
And all the other kids at school
Have a dad who loves them
With all his heart.

But mommy,
I don't have a father
To call me, "daddy's little girl."
I don't have a dad who cares for me
More than anything in this world.

I don't understand
Why my daddy is gone.
Please,
Tell me mommy
Did I do something wrong?

Once Again

Bare back,
Dark skin
Once again
I've awakened to see you.

Once again
I'm here with you
After we've both decided
That we were through.

Once again
I'm watching you sleep,
Knowing that what we've sown
We soon will have to reap.

Once again
I tell myself we should part,
But I still feel you
So close to my heart.

Once again
I'm telling myself,
"This isn't right."
But once again,
I'm telling you,
"Just stay,
Just one more night."

Once again
I don't want to move on.
I can't bear the pain I'll feel
Once you have gone.

So once again
I awaken to see you.
Bare back, dark skin.
Here within
My arms.

November 13th

On November thirteenth
Two thousand six
I took my child to see the doctor
I thought she was just sick.

Blood was taken for a test
I never asked, "why?"
Within minutes I was told,
"Your child's glucose level is too high."

"You must go to the main hospital
Quickly, for tests.
Take these referrals with you
And I wish you the best."

I drove to the emergency room
With the referrals on my lap.
Smiled at my daughter through the rearview mirror
She was bobbing her head and eating a snack.

The radio was playing
And I had no idea what lie ahead
Endocrinologists, nutritionists
And a one-week stay in the hospital bed.

When handed a syringe I asked,
"How long will this last?"
The nurse replied sorrowfully,
"This isn't something that will pass."

Insulin injections and fi nger pricks
Would become a part of everyday life.
Hyperglycemia, Hypoglycemia
Mood swings and strife.

All this fell upon my little girl
Within one night.
Four years old with a "boo-boo"
That Mommy can't make right.

I can't take it away
Or even take her place,
And I can't explain the way it felt
Seeing tears on her face

As she cried, "No more needles Mommy
No more after this,"
And I had to be strong and tell her,
"I know it hurts but its what's best."

On November thirteenth I was told,
"Your child has Diabetes Type One."br /> But there are some great organizations out there
And a lot of research is being done.

We are not the only family going through this.
There are many, many more
And we're all taking it one day at a time
All hoping for a cure.

A cure to take away the needles
And the tubing and fi nger pricks.
A cure to free us of ketones
When our children are sick.

In one class a parent told me,
Not to think of this as a curse.
At least its just Diabetes
It could have been much worse.

Metamorphosis

Like the life cycle of a butterfly,
Our lives are always changing.
While we are young
We are constantly feeding our minds.
Absorbing culture and life experience.
We go through trials and tribulations
That strengthen us
And fi ll us with knowledge;
Eventually molding us into adults.
Sometimes blossoming into better people.
Sometimes being ashamed of what we've become.
But unlike the butterfly,
Whose fate is already sealed,
We can always re-create ourselves.
It's never too late
To emerge into a better you.

Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget
Where I live at.
You know
When I'm in my house
On my internet
Writing poetry,
I sometimes forget
Where I live at.

Not living sheltered
On the army base anymore.
A former military brat
Lost in a chaotic world
Where a cop car is used
As a roadblock,
Because once again
There has been shooting,
And I hope no one is hurt
Cause no mouths
Will be moving.

Around the corner from me
A four-year-old girl was shot in her thigh
Neighbors watched as her grandmother screamed out
And cried.

This community is a war zone.
Stray bullets hit innocent people
And it's watched in silence.
No one wants to snitch.
For some it's out of fear
But for others it's principal.
Morals from childhood
They learned to keep,
Rules to live by,
Codes of the street.

Philly has made me aware
Of so many things.
Eyes wide open now.
A clear view,
Of what was once unseen.
But even still,
I sometimes forget.

With plush slippers on my feet,
Sipping coffee,
I forget about the cycle of death
And poverty.
Chaos,
In the community.

Sometimes I forget,
Or maybe
Like everyone else
I'm just blocking it out.

Kiss Me

Kiss me in the morning
Let's not make it wait.
Kiss me before our day begins
Before it gets too late.

The day is full and frantic
And we'll both be too busy,
So kiss me here and now
Let me know that you'll miss me.

Tell me you'll think about me
While out there eight hours long.
Touch me and assure me
That our love is strong.

When you return
I'll have just gone
That's 16 hours plus travel time
That we'll remain alone.

From morning until evening
We'll be torn apart,
Your photo in my pocket,
You'll be in my heart.

I can't imagine life without you
Twenty-four hours alone,
So kiss me now, this morning
Before you leave our home.

10 Days to Break Up

On day one I told you,
"It doesn't feel the same."
Day two I said,
"Let's not shift the blame."
"My feelings have changed,"
As I explained
On day three,
But you weren't ready
To let go of me.
So on day four
You were back at my door
Suggesting that we try
To keep our love alive.
I started to re-think it on day five.
Wondering if this was something we could fix
All the way up until day six.
Still wanting a love
That was sent from heaven,
I gave in to you on day seven.
It was my mistake
As I realized on day eight,
When I no longer wanted
To claim you as mine.
I had to look into your eyes,
One last time
On day nine
As I explained that the relationship
Had reached its end
And asked you not to return again.
Now I'm sitting here
Alone
On day ten.

Here I Am

Here I am
Six years after the fact
Still looking back
Not knowing.

Still unsure of
Where we are
And where we are going.

Still confused
About the "I love you's"
and you.

Not sure about spending
eternity.
Not sure if you love me,
for me.

Wondering if I've made
the right choice,
or if I've been wrong.

Hesitant when you say
You want this to be,
Life long.

Marriage?

I don't understand.
More apt to stay where I am,
Right here.
Six years and counting.
Unwilling to doubt me
Stuck in uncertainty,
But refusing,
To be free (from you).

Second Guessing

When will I really take the time to breathe
And just be me?
So caught up in this love thing, I'm second-guessing my better judgment.
So caught up in this love thing believing he was something,
That I already knew he wasn't.
What was it that made me think he'd turn my gray skies blue?
Make me feel brand new, and give me something to look forward to.
I should've stopped to think this thing through.
Should've taken a moment to breathe,
And tell myself not to get too wrapped up in this love thing.

I've been here before
Where whispers and caresses lure
Me into a place where visions of marriage and happiness soar,
And then I'm let down once more.
Heart sunken and on the floor.
How many times will I allow these same tears to pour?
Tears of a soul that love has weakened.
A heart that never listens when the mind is speaking.
How many lessons in love will it take
For me to understand?
That one should never place their heart
In someone else's hands,
Because once again
I'm left making life adjustments
All because I second-guessed my better judgment.

Being a Mom

Smiles,
Looking into your sparkling eyes,
Wiping your boo-boos
When you cry.

Combing your hair
When you get dressed.
I thank the Lord
Because I am blessed.

Nothing else has ever
Made my heart rest
Like being a mom.

Lifted

Look at them in pity.
Look at them in shame.
Wonder why their life's a mess,
Wonder who's to blame.
Wonder if it really works,
Their method for masking pain.
Hide it all momentarily.
Fuck the clarity!
They get lifted,
Vision shifted,
Feeling gifted,
For a moment in time.
With each hit it's like rewind
Spinning their minds
Into another place.
Smiles on their faces
Leave no traces
Of reality.
They have a way of escaping
But not me.

Not me.
Lonely heart,
Hungry mind,
Misplaced anger,
Running out of time.
Stopping

To watch her buy a dime.
Belly full with baby
But that's not on her mind.
As she gets lifted
And takes a magical ride
Trying to mask what's inside.
And when the crack pipe no longer blazes,
She sits
Wide eyes gazing.
In a zone
Reality gone
Feeling thankful for the white stone.
Vision shifted,
She's so lifted.
She's hiding from reality,
But not me.

Not me.
Lonely Heart,
Hungry mind,
Misplaced anger,
Running out of time.
Stopping

As I approach my home.
Uncle off in his zone.
TV gone,
Compensation
For precious, miracle stones.
Health no longer his concern.
Rotted teeth,
Visible bones.
His paranoia lurks 'til noon.
He'll be asking me for money soon.
So he can stay lifted.
Makes him feel so gifted
When life is shifted
To an unrealistic
Time.
Where he hides it all momentarily.
But it's clear to me
That I'd rather face reality.

They get lifted.

I Love you

I need to take a second to apologize to myself
For not realizing, who I am.
I need to take just a minute
To tell myself
That I regret
Not doing all that I can,
To make myself
Happy.

I have to just for a moment
Take a time out
To let myself know
That even though
There was struggle and heartache,
I have grown.
And I have realized
That I deserve so much more
Than what I have settled for
Before.

So this is the woman,
Telling the girl inside
That even though she has cried
She can still hold her head up
With pride.
Because for every loss
There is a gain,
And somewhere later down the road
Triumph
Will always follow the pain.
So no more
Walking with your head down.
Lift up your chin,
Because even when the blow is tough
You will always rise again.
You're beautiful,
And if no one knows it
I do.
So this is me
Telling myself,
I love you.